Melancholy of Kanzaki Reito
by renny-chan
Summary: This is a CRACK fic. Reito dancing to the Barbie song? and who told him to do it? Its rated T just because.


**Disclaimer**: I was brain damaged when I wrote this. I do not own Mai Hime. Now that I think about it, thank goodness I dont.

a/n: I wasn't the only one that wrote this too. 808tenshi wrote some too but then she gave up and forced me to finish it. she also edited this from our conversation umm just 20 minutes ago. lol. man... and I shouldve studied for my final tommorow...oh well I'll survive. Also a warning to those who do not like crack fics and those that like Takeda, Reito and Tate. I don't think it's that offending but just in case. Gah! and I'm sorry for any offending jokes that are written down here. This was for fun and it wasn't meant to hurt anyone.

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It was a beautiful day in Fuuka Gakuen. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping merrily as Mai, Natsuki, and Mikoto made their way to school. 

Skipping joyfully to class, the happy trio came across the known playboy Reito.

"Ani-ue!" Waving happily Mikoto raced toward the dark haired you man who strolled toward them grinning charmingly. "Mikoto, Mai-san, Natsuki-san. Nice to see you today."

"Oi Kannzaki."

"Hi Reito-kun", came their reply.

"Ani-ue, are you doing anything tonight? Mai's gonna make a huge dinner! You should come!" Eyes shining with anticipation, Mikoto rubber her face happily between Mai's ample breasts.

"Actually, I have to pass that up. Sorry ladies. I have an appointment with the cherubs later. Plus tonight is my début for the music video "coming out."

"Music video? I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff Kannzaki." Natsuki arched an eyebrow at the smiling gentleman.

"Hai Natsuki-san, it's to die for, if I do say so myself. If you're free tonight, feel free to watch it airing on Ch. 23 at 8:30."

A certain kendo captain interrupted the idle chitchat.

"K-Kuga-san..." yes...Takeda, the kendo captain. Everyone turned around to see what this brave fellow was trying to do.

"I'm also IN the music video!" he stated proudly. The girls stared, mouths agape.

Sending a glare toward the stuttering young man. Natsuki hissed, apparently annoyed at his existence. As she was about to verbally and physically alert him to that fact, a melodic voice interrupted her.

"Ara, ara...someone said that they're going to be in a music video?" Shizuru managed to just 'appear' and come into the conversation.

Natsuki turned around and possessively wrapped her arms around the Kyoto girl. Everyone watched in awkward silence as the pair started to...do lesbian stuffs. Finally after what seemed like ages, Shizuru broke the lesbian-ness and said, "Well, Kannzaki-kun, I heard the music video is about a Barbie girl?"

"Yes Shizuru-san, you see..."

"Yo! What's everyone doing lined up like that? Reito, Takeda, you tell them about the vid tonight? It's gonna rock!"

"Tate?!" Mai stared disbelievingly at the spiky haired boy. "You're in it too?!"

"Yeah, it'll be the hottest thing since Peanut Butter and Jelly! You girls make sure to watch. Reito-kun, Takeda-kun, we'd better get to the studio!" With that the three boys left leaving the girls gapping after them.

"Well..." Mai said, nervously smiling. "Dinner anyone?"

Yukino was dragged into Mai's dorm. Mikoto insisted that she come.

"Hey guys c'mon in!" Mai waved happily as her guest began arriving. "Dinner's almost done. Well, it would have been done already, but Mikoto kept snacking."

Yukino shyly walked inside.

"Mai...didn't you say there were more people coming?" Mai thought a bit then exclaimed "well, Chie and Aoi will be here any minute now...ding dong Perfect timing! And Nao said she had men to rape...err had a date so she couldn't come, and before I could ask Midori to come, she was already wasted with Youko."

Yukino could only say "Oh."

Mai then added "Natsuki can't come tonight either. She told me that she managed to tire out ...err well she can't make it."

"Anyway, it'll be fun!" Mai patted Yukino cheerfully as Mikoto nodded her agreement. "When we all get here, we can eat and watch the guy's video. I can't wait to see how they did it. Reito-san will look good in anything I'm sure."

**BAM** the door breaks down and Midori and Youko came crashing in. "Oi! Mai! You said...Reitosan and the boys were gonna strip...so me and Youko decided...-hic- to come over."

"Oi! Anyone home?" Moving past the broken door, Natsuki stepped in followed closely by the auburn haired beauty and an irate looking red head. "I was bored and neither of us felt like cooking so...we found this loitering outside." Natsuki jerked her thumb behind her. "You wanna keep it?"

Mai sweat dropped. "So everyone DID come after all. Wait, scratch that, where's Haruka?"

"YUKINO!!! I'll save you from those Lesbians!" We now wait for yukino's cue.

"You mean...Haruka...you didn't mean lesbians did you?" so Yukino couldn't correct Haruka. What a turn of events.

"Yeah yeah. Fujino-san keep your damn hands to yourself! No one wants to see that!" Growling at the grinning Kyoto beauty, Haruka seized Yukino's arm possessively.

"Fufufu...And Haruka calls me the lesbian." Shizuru pointed out Haruka's possessive grip on Yukino, making the two blush a deep red.

"Heh." Nao grinned, mischievously. "Aside from the biker dyke you're the next biggest lesbian here. Despite the fact that you're still in the closet."

Haruka stared at Nao...touché Nao...touché.

"Why you..." Haruka stepped forward, her fist bunching threateningly. "I'll teach you..."

"Now, now." Mai stepped forward grinning nervously, her hands held out in front of her for peace. "Lets not fight okay? Look, dinners ready! Let's just eat and watch the show, it'll be on soon."

Mai managed to play peacekeeper and herded the crowd to the TV and food. Everyone ate and was merry until a special announcement appeared on the Japanese pop show.

Lights of various hues and colors flashed over the screen as the young host stepped to center stage. Wearing tight leather pants and a vest of a similar material, he brushed a few strands of hair from his face. Grinning suavely out over the crowd he raised his arms.

"Welcome gentleman to our show! Tonight we have a very special guest, or I should say guests for you."

The camera panned the audience as the girls watched the screen intently from home. Was it just them or were the audience members all men?

"Hard Gay look-a-likes...I swear...that look is not good for children." Natsuki muttered.

Nao snickered. "But if your 'woman here' was wearing some tight leather material like that, I'm sure YOU wouldn't mind."

Shizuru chuckled. "Ara, ara. Natsuki, that doesn't sound like a bad idea..."

Natsuki twitched. "LETS just watch the show! Gah..." ShizuruinleatherShizuruwearingTIGHTleatherclothes. Gah! Think happy thoughts! mayo...shizuruwearingleather. Poor Natsuki.

"My fellow patrons, it is my extreme pleasure to present Our Inner Desires!"

Taking a step back, the host holds out his hand as smoke rolls over the stage, slowly clearing to reveal three figures.

The three women walked out to the center of the stage. Flowing blond hair sparkles under the stage light giving the lead singer and ethereal look. Clad in form fitting ripped jeans and a black Rhine stone studded tube top, the blond knock out stepped forward, casually brushing a lock of hair off of her shoulder.

The music starts and the three start to dance in rhythmic beat. However, the women...don't seem to look like women in the spotlight...they looked like...  
Watching the television, the group of girls stared hard at the trio dancing on stage.

Midori spoke up with a voice that was suddenly sober "You don't suppose…those 3 women are...?"

"Of course not. Besides...they said they were going to Barbie Girl...this is the ending song of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya." replied Mai.

Nao scoffed. "Does it MATTER? We all know it's them. Think about it. Three strikingly tall women with rippling muscles, wearing make up that DOES NOT go with their complexion, plus Tate's wig is lopsided."

Chie never stopped taking pictures. She gave a triumphant laugh. "Never...in all my days was I able to get something as...what's the word..."

Aoi decided to help. "Powerful?"

"YES! That's it. Gay. These pictures will give me fame for life."

Yukino was not able to see because Haruka was covering her eyes and screaming "Blasphemy!" at the television screen.

The only people that didn't react were Natsuki, Shizuru and Mikoto. Mai questioned them and Natsuki replied, "I don't care." Shizuru said "I kept it a secret for them until now." Mikoto...was well...Mikoto.

"Mai..." Mikoto took the opportunity to question the disturbed redhead.

"Yes Mikoto?"

"Is it okay if boys dress like that?"

"Well..." Mai. Started sweating as she scratched her head nervously searching for an acceptable response.

"Ani-ue said he always liked the way girl's clothes felt. Should I dress like a guy now too?" Mikoto tilted her head, inquiring innocently.

Before Mai could speak Nao butted in. "Yes Mikoto. If your oniichan likes girl's clothes, then you should definitely start wearing his tidy whities to school. Really, he will appreciate it. Believe me."

Silence reigned as everyone just stared at Nao. No one tried to explain to Mikoto that she was being sarcastic but then again, if Mikoto wore tidy whities to school, it would still be cute. Because of the conversation, no one had noticed that the three boy-women were dancing and singing to another song. The TV hand begun to blast "I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World."

Haruka couldn't take it anymore. Screaming a string of curse words and Homo-phobic phrases of denial and blasphemy, she dragged Yukino out the door. Sadly, no one noticed. The horrifying dance video of Reito, Takeda and Tate was so absolutely terrifying, that they had become morbidly fascinated and unable to tear their eyes away.

Dancing in amazing rhythm, Reito managed to pull off the female singing part with the choreography, while Takeda did the male counterpart. Tate disappeared to the side of the stage, later appearing with animals running freely across the stage. But it only got worse from there.

Tate ran, once again, to the side of the stage, bringing out a...white stallion with a heavily duct taped papier-mâché horn on its head. All hell broke loose when the song ended and Reito decided to ride the poor creature away from the stage, leaving Takeda and Tate to fend for themselves.

It was quiet in Mai's dorm.

"Shizuru, tell me it wasn't you that suggested the stallion and papier-mâché horn?" Natsuki sent a sidelong glance toward the serenely smiling woman sitting beside her.

Shizuru shrugged her shoulders. "Natsuki, honestly I didn't know Reito was taking me seriously."

Slowly, everyone turned to face Shizuru. Deciding to represent the group, Mai spoke up.

"Kaichou-san...you told them to make a group, a cross-dressing, singing, dancing group; have animals in the background AND told Reito to exit the stage on a STALLION?!"

"Fufufu Well, actually I suggested a Unicorn...which was probably why they used a paper mach--"

"WHY on God's Green Earth did they listen to you?!" Nao asked in disbelief.

"Ara...a magician never tells her secrets." Shizuru gave a lopsided grin.

Touché Shizuru. Touché.

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a/n 2: OMFG! where WAS my brain when I wrote this!? gah. lol. thanks for reading. review please? 


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